Main Reflection
Hello all,
In the time of hearing that my friend, Stewart, was ill; I had a confident hope and assurance that God had the ability to heal my friend. I rallied friends and family to surround him and his family in prayer that he would recover. However, even in the confidence, confusion and fear gripped me. I wasn’t understanding why something like this was happening to him, especially when Stewart was such a devout man of God. There was also a fear of not knowing what God’s will was. What I mean by this is knowing that while God has the capability to heal, that doesn’t mean He always does. His will sometimes is different from our own, and to be honest, that thought terrified me. I remember being on the phone with another close friend of mine, just crying at the thought, that God could or choose not to heal Stewart. An emotional roller coaster ensued as I experienced many highs and lows. I distinctly remember asking this friend one night, “What is the point of life if there is no guarantee for control?” His response, was just one of the lessons that has stuck with me throughout this grieving process:
“I’m sure, if the situation was different from the one you’re going through right now, that if I had asked you what the point of life was, you wouldn’t say control. That’s because the point of life isn’t about being in control, it’s about what we choose to submit to.”
In this, my friend was reminding me that our lives should not be about trying to seek control, because if we really take a step back, we’ll come to realize that we can’t control anything expect our attitude and response to the circumstances that present themselves before us. Rather, our primary focus is what/who we submit our lives to. If we look at the definition of submit, it comes up as: “accept or yield to a superior force or to the authority or will of another person.” So the question here is: “What do we yield authority to in our lives?” Even when we think we know better and we have the best plan, what has authority over our lives?
While this provided me peace, I was still shattered when the news came out that Stewart had passed. Confirmation of my fears flooded in through tears and questions. Like many people, the resounding WHY stuck out to me. Why would God allow this? Why didn’t God heal him? In addition, the HOW also etched itself into the fibers of my frustration. How could this be considered good? How could this glorify God if Stewart died? I didn’t understand. It wasn’t till after Stewart’s passing that I learned that with his last request to be to donate his organs, that he was able to save five other people (one of them being a one-year-old)! So, while I may not see the good in the moment, God sees ahead of us. It doesn’t mean that it makes it easier, but I know that I can trust in God’s plan, even when it doesn’t align with mine.
There was a time, after hearing and releasing the news to others that Stewart had passed that I had gone to church. Many of the people there had been receiving updates from my mother and I about how he had been doing, so when they saw me the Sunday after his passing, I was welcomed with consolations and condolences. And while there was a small comfort there, it was during praise and worship that it really got to me. There was a song that had lyrics something along the lines of: “Even in the valley, I will praise your name. You are worthy to be praised.” And I just remember standing in the front row crying and saying to God, “I don’t feel like praising your name. I know I should, but I don’t want to. I don’t feel like it.” I shared this experience with my friend, and he comforted me saying,
“God understands. He’s a big God and he understands the emotions we feel. God can take you being angry at Him. He can take your questions and your frustrations. And it’s okay for you to be upset and cry, remember that even Jesus wept. Even though He was going to raise Lazarus, Jesus still wept. God knows our emotions and can relate to our emotions.”
From this, I know that I can be honest, real and vulnerable with God. I don’t have to hold back what I feel with God. He can take what I’m feeling, regardless of how taboo it may feel to scream at and question God. God understands what we feel because He has also felt it. This comforts me in knowing that my emotions aren’t foreign to God but welcomed by Him. And while I’ve been upset and crying, God has comforted me with his Holy Spirit that reminds me that Stewart, who loved and followed after Christ, is in heaven, and one day I’ll get to reunite with him.
Additional Reflection & Gratitude
In this grieving process, there have been some particular songs that I have held a listening ear to. One of these includes the song, “Led Me to You” by Sean Curran. Granted it’s a newer song, the song speaks exactly to what I’ve been walking through in the preparation for this World Race Trip especially within this time of grief of losing my close friend, Stewart, because honestly, it’s been such a mountain high and valley low experience. From the news that Stewart appeared to be getting better to the news of his passing, it’s been up, down and all around with emotions. And while it’s had its moments which I wish never occurred, I’ve noticed that I am continually pointed back to God. I continue to be led back to God, whether it’s through other people, music, or even just reflections and revelations. And so, while this has been a season of grief in my life that I have never experienced before to this degree, God has been with me through it all. He has placed certain people in my life that have been able to be rocks and pillars in my life that I can come to and fall apart, and they will encourage me and edify me, building me up and pointing me back to Christ. And so, because of that, a special thank you to Ben, Jesse, Josh, and Matt. Thank you for being people that I can come to when I was at my lowest and honestly just being there for me when I needed someone to listen as I was learning how to process and navigate the grief. Thank you. And thank you to everyone who partnered with me in praying for Stewart, I appreciate it.
Next, I want to thank the family of Stewart, who has always treated me like family. Thank you for inviting me and allowing me to be able to grieve with you. You guys have always made me feel welcome and as I’ve already told you, I loved Stewart as if he were my very own brother, because he was that, my brother in Christ. And he always will be. I believe that is why the priest’s word rang so true to me when he said: “Grief is the price we pay for love.” Stewart was an amazing person who was loved by many, and I am so grateful that not only was I able to be a part of his life, but that He could be a part of mine. As young as he was, he taught me so much and had such a profound impact on me. Like you told me, he will be with me wherever I go, and I pray that I can live a life that continues his kindness and selflessness towards others. So, thank you, for everything. Please know that I appreciate you guys and will always have Stewart in my heart wherever I go.
Final Words for Stewart
(Excerpt from the Last Letter I Wrote to Stewart)
“I miss you already. I miss you so much. I miss your distinct laugh that could light up a room. I miss trying to size up with you, showing you how strong I’ve gotten since I started going to the gym (even though we both know that you’re the stronger one considering you’re in the military). I miss your childlike goofiness which was paired with your adultlike maturity when it came to being the older sibling… I miss our before we go to sleep conversations that we had when we were younger when I would sleep over at your place.
And granted, although we didn’t get to see each other much with us each having our own lives, I still wish I would have called and texted your more, but you know what they say, you never really appreciate something until it’s gone. And brother, I hate it and I’m grateful that you’re the one to have taught me this. I wish I could have told you how much you meant to me and hugged you more, but honestly, I didn’t expect it to turn out the way that it did…
Stewart, I want you to know what an amazing person you’ve been in my life and in the life of others. To me, you’ve been the Jonathan to David. This is referring back to the bible in the book 1 Samuel, in which scripture puts it: “the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul” (1 Samuel 18:1). In this passage, we see a biblical example of what it looks like to have a pure, brotherly bond within the context of a friendship. We were brothers in Christ who edified and encouraged one another. You gave me perspective of the Catholic faith, which you not only prayed, but practiced. You were kind, and also kind of dorky, but it was part of your charm. Also, can we just ask, “How did you manage to get married before me?” Like what the heck man? Lol, you really got to beat me in everything, huh? But to the people around you, you are adored and so loved….
It’s not easy saying goodbye, and honestly, I don’t want to. So instead, I’ll say this: “See ya later brother,” because I know that you’re in heaven and I’ll see you there one day, and I honestly can’t wait till then. But for now, I’m going to continue living in your footsteps of loving and caring for others, just as Christ showed us how to. I’m saddened by the time that I’ll miss without you being here, but grateful for the time God granted me with getting to know you, as you were a part of my life, and I a part of yours. I love ya man and always will.
Bang, bang! You da man!
– Hunter L.
